Oh my goodness me….. what a lot has happened in the last month since I last posted, what a start to the year it has been! And I tell you, I have been on an odyssey since I last wrote a blog post!
I thought that this month I would be sharing about my EMDR journey but it is still in process and I have so much more to share about it, that I have decided to hold fire on that one until next month as my healing is still in process… for those of you who don't know, EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing is a relatively new type of therapy which is scientifically proven to work on complex issues such as depression, anxiety and trauma, and I have embarked on a journey with the virtual online version of the therapy which is self administered, and which I have been testing to see if it can shift my writers block. Because honestly, writers block is real! I have heard people dismissing it, and saying it isn't real, that if you show up and do the work then the writing will come, but honestly, I was showing up to do the work and it was making me feel worse and worse, I had to unpack the whole thing. More on this in my next post, when I will be sharing in depth how EMDR has been helping me find my musical mojo again.
For now though, I will start by sharing that the last quarter of 2024 was a particularly tough time for me, in all honesty. Throughout 2024 I was pushing through, eager and anxious to share some of my works, to launch as Mary Mina Music, release some of my solo, self produced material and prove myself. It was a lot of pressure and eventually I buckled. I had a bit more grieving to do. Now, I am not one to wallow in feelings of self pity, which is part of the reason that I picked myself up after my dad died & just got on with things. But it has its time and place, and we can't avoid it unfortunately, and after a while of pushing myself ridiculously hard, I was depleted. By September I was heading for a breakdown. But breakdowns are the perfect time to self reflect and be honest and truthful with ourselves about what we need to do in our best interests. I knew at that point that I needed some time out. I didn't know it would take months! I honestly kept trying to keep going, I thought that taking a couple of weeks off then gently easing back into my music work would be enough, I was wrong! For two to three months I wept my way through TV shows, crying at anything and everything, I just needed that outlet. But the worst thing of all in that time was that I felt completely flat and joyless whenever I tried to make music, it just had lost its appeal. My brain was associating everything to do with writing music with pain, toil and struggle.
It's hardly surprising really. Making music is tough at times and it doesn't always pay well. Your songs feel like your babies and you want to send them out into the world and for them to thrive, but they don't always. Not everyone will like your stuff and it can be hard to find your audience. Plus, I was doing all the jobs myself, songwriter, singer, producer, mix engineer, marketer, publicist, video editor, stylist, makeup artist, the lot. And it was too much work for me on my own. And at the same time that my musical spark was dying out, I started to feel like I had so much to say. And that's sort of why this blog began, out of the deep desire to write out everything that has been on my mind for so long. It started out with some lengthy social media posts where I made connections with people who understood how I was feeling, and a new path opened up. A friend suggested that I join her in doing the Artist's Way course. I had done it before, so wasn't totally convinced I would benefit from it, but after mulling it over awhile, I thought, why not? I was ill at the time anyway and had the time on my hands to do it, so that led to me doing a lot more writing, as it required me to do 3 pages a day of freehand writing, every single morning. There is something amazing about the process of following the course. You discover a LOT about yourself. You discover who you are and where you are at and uncover different aspects of your personality and through doing it you begin to regain control over your life and can start to find pleasure in being creative again.
As I started to write more frequently, I started to figure things out again, piece by piece. I started to realise that I hadn't been nurturing the playful side of me, that I was taking my music way too seriously, trying too hard & had lost my way. I realised that in my anxious need to prove myself worthy of recognition, I had destroyed my childlike sense of delight in making music, and that what I was doing had become all for show and was lacking the depth that important songs need. Not that the songs I have already released don't have depth, but I had got stuck where I was and wasn't progressing. These realisations couldn't have come at a better time for me. I actually needed to have that feeling of being completely stuck. If I hadn't had that then I wouldn't have embarked on the Artist's Way at that time. It was the perfect time to do it.
In November I had a flare up of an old injury and ended up on crutches for 2 months. It was quite honestly a devastating time for me, as I felt like I couldn't trust my body. I felt ashamed at having to get around using aids again, like I had somehow failed to maintain my own health. I didn't want to be seen that way at all, and I did my best to hide it. It can feel pretty demoralising when you are trying to get out and perform, I was keen to join a band that was auditioning and was trying to work out how I could get around it without letting on that I needed to walk and potentially take the stage with a stick. And I got myself into uncomfortable debt by paying for regular treatments to try and get back to full health.
I actually believe that my body was trying to let me know I was doing too much by creating the conditions to make me stop pushing so hard at life. Luckily I recognised it, and allowed myself to slow down. And I am happy to say that my treatment plan has worked. I followed my NHS prescribed physio regime pretty strictly, and the time I put in started to pay off. I used the time when I was forced to rest wisely, by devoting it to my mental and physical healing, doing the EMDR therapy, and following the course.
I will be honest here and say that there were days when I thought my passion for writing music would never return. But I also know from experience that whenever I completely give up on music, it always comes back to surprise me. And I kept up as best as I could with my singing practice, going to my jazz lessons whenever I could – though I had the worst flu in December which took me out completely for a good couple of weeks or more, and a cancer scare too, which I am thankful to say I got the all clear on this month! It was a lot of health stuff all at once.
And then the biggie – early on New Years day, around 1am I was knocked flying into the burning embers of the fire pit at the party I was at, by some large and clumsy oaf of a man who didn't even stick around to check if I was OK. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the impact of his fall sent not only me, but also the lady I was chatting to flying. I found out later that she had bumped her head badly & was concussed. I ended up with first degree burns all over my hands, up my arm and on my thigh and I am still healing. My clothing was also destroyed in the fire. It was a shock to say the least, and it took quite a few days to recover from the anxious nightmares.
However, since then things have really turned around for my health. I have never felt better! I am off crutches again and I feel absolutely radiant, it's as though I have risen from the flames like the phoenix! All the time I have put into doing the real work is starting to pay off, I am loving life again, I am truly enjoying where I am at & feeling the benefits of the time I have taken to rest well and recover fully. And more than that, I have just had a burst of songwriting, and for the first time in months I sat at my computer, opened up my music software and started to play, and actually enjoyed myself. I had some time on my hands this evening to do something and for a change I didn't want to just watch TV – it was time for something different, and more than anything I wanted to make music. As I went to sit down in the familiar spot, I noticed my heart start beating faster, with the anxiety of what I was about to attempt, from the fear that it would trigger the old uncomfortable feelings of static and frustration. But I sat with it, and started to create. It doesn't matter what I created, it is just the fact that I did create something and enjoyed it, that is what counts. I think one of the dilemmas we face as artists is that we love making our art so much until we start to try to turn it into a job. Then suddenly it becomes this massive slog, and it can destroy our creativity as it starts to become something we NEED to do, rather than be a pleasure. So I have made the decision to just do this for fun for the time being, and if it turns into my full time thing, great, but I am now doing it without attachment to the outcomes. For me this is the key to a happy life.
For those of you who are awaiting my next song, fear not! I have a plan in place for my next release, and am also busy booking a few gigs! I am so excited to get out there and perform again, I have just got so much to give right now and I will keep you posted as soon as I know more.
So, until the next chapter! Onwards and upwards. Have a wonderful month and thank you so much for reading.
Photo by RD Smith Photography