It's been a while since I have attended to my blog and I apologise for the wait. The truth is, that the last few months have been particularly hectic in this ADHD brain of mine. For some reason I became particularly mentally hyperactive in the early part of the year and it has been quite a task to settle this busy brain that I hope to one day become the master of.
In response to a few months of little sleep and a constantly racing mind, I started cooking up all sorts of ideas. I was convinced that the variety of things I was trying to do was the key to my success and never getting bored, because one of the biggest traits of having ADHD is that we have a very low tolerance to boredom. If I am bored I start becoming very antsy, frustrated, can't keep still, I feel the utter compulsion to make things happen.
Historically, if I was feeling bored I would make music - but this past year I have also been wrestling with the hollow feeling of being musically blocked, whenever I try to sit and create alone. At the moment I am limited to making music with other people, which is a wonderful thing that I am grateful for, but other people are busy and I haven't had the budget to invest in paying to make music, so things have been chugging along more slowly than before in the musical production realm. So what did my ADHD brain decide to do instead? Instead, to combat my frustrations, I came up with the following list of things in no particular order and on no particular schedule that were somehow going to lead me to world domination and that I was convinced were all part of my lifestyle brand—yes, really.
• Making body creams, balms & oils – of which I have already created, branded and packaged • Starting an online shop selling vintage clothing – this I have actually tried and had an excess of clothing cluttering up my life but it just isn't working for me as I don't have the space • Writing 4 books – one about my life, one a novel, one about singing and one about confidence, all of which I have started • Creating a course about confidence which I was going to roll out and sell – and have outlined and started writing • Coaching and mentoring – particularly creatives with ADHD – I have not officially started this but I'd factored it into my business plan & researched ADHD coaching courses that I was considering taking to get qualified • Working with a tattoo artist and a music artist with their social media – I have been actively doing this too • Starting a jazz singing group for improvers – never got this moving but was cooking this idea for a while • Re-igniting my Mary in the Mirror electronic project – which I started doing but was thwarted by one of the producers pulling out of the project unexpectedly • Becoming a podcast host – this one I have actually followed through on
If you are worn out by just reading that list, it may give you some indication of what it is like existing in this brain with ADHD. All this to think about on top of what I am already doing – my weekly radio show on Ujima FM, the jazz events that I host and my other music projects. I have been working with mentors to help me write my business plan and have had to hone down my plans several times, which is hard cause they keep changing. One minute I am over excited about an idea I have had and the next I have completely changed my mind because of my limited attention span. Luckily, one of my mentors and I did some consistent work together which has led to me getting funding for some specific ADHD focused business coaching, and what a relief that has been.
The first thing my new business coach said to me when I told her all the things I had been working on was "no wonder you are overwhelmed". Having ADHD means that we have a limited capacity for executive functioning, with the pre-frontal cortex, that part of our brains that is responsible for pushing things through and getting things done, unable to apply the processing power to such a huge variety of things. So the key to success is to get more specific, and focus on the things we feel most passion for – which for me is obviously and clearly my music – writing my own songs and creating my own album are up there on my list of bucket list ambitions. Doing my own radio show purely brings me joy because I am part of a team and my new podcast is my absolute passion project, so I have whittled these things down. Singing jazz is also a passion of mine. My business coach has encouraged me to cross everything else off my to-do list. If I am truly honest with myself, a lot of the reasoning for my other goals and plans has been due to having imposter syndrome & worrying that I will never be successful in music. My coach suggested we did some number crunching and she helped me to realise that success in music is actually possible if the right strategies are applied.
In honesty this has felt like such a weight lifted off me. I don't have to write a book right now, I can focus on writing my blog posts and perhaps later I can fashion this into a book. This has totally taken the pressure off that I was putting on myself. Maybe one day when my album is released I can sell some vintage pieces of clothing that I have worn on stage or for photoshoots. Maybe I can start a shop one day when I have a team behind me, selling my hand made products, maybe start a makeup range too, maybe I can mentor other artists, but perhaps I need to get myself fully established as an artist first – all these things are possible, they just aren't all possible AT THE SAME TIME.
I am so relieved that I now know what my focus is. There is enough to do as an artist – since the launch of my solo material, I have been my own marketer, my own brand strategist, my own publicist, thankfully I now have a stylist on my side, but I am my own makeup artist, my own manager, my own everything.
On top of all these roles that I have had to play, I have had untold personal challenges that perhaps I was masking with all my hectic ideas and plans. Maybe my brain was being overactive to stop me from feeling these feelings of grief that I have been constantly battling since losing both my parents. Maybe sitting alone at the computer trying to force myself into creativity was just too much pressure, I still feel blocked to a degree but I am coming through it. I was preparing to release a single this time last year when my world imploded & I just couldn't face it at the time and a year later… well more on this below.
Rather than focus on the negatives—of which there have been many—I want to focus on what I've achieved so far this year. Here's what 2024 has brought me so far:
• I decided to launch into doing more live performing and started writing more soul songs and getting out there with guitarist Lip Kozlowski – we performed a few magic events together before he sadly moved back home to Poland to be with his family. • I launched a jazz open mic night at the Green Room back in March which is still going. • I launched my blog and website and even though I have neglected it somewhat in recent months, this is proof that I am back on track. • I have written a bunch of new songs – some of which I have never performed in public before and am looking forward to sharing again • I performed at the Bristol Harbour Festival • I have found a new guitarist that I am doing our first gig with on Thursday 2nd October at the Golden Lion • I have written a business plan and managed to obtain funding to employ an assistant who is helping me with all my business admin – this is a HUGE help • I have been consistent with my weekly radio show & have built a team around me of the most wonderful women you could imagine who are so nurturing and supportive • I have launched my brand new podcast the Persona Power Podcast with the amazing sustainable fashion stylist Meg Cox, all about sustainable style, mental health & wellbeing & creative identity. This podcast is very dear to me and is a passion project where I am being totally open and talking about my authentic journey as an artist with ADHD and building my identity as a creative whilst keeping myself sane. • I am now getting ready to finally release the song I have waited a year to release due to the grief and overwhelm – this song is a hugely personal story that is a big deal to me, so no wonder I was struggling to share it!
Now for the honest part.
I am really sorry that I have neglected you all but I hope you can see that it has been due to all the things I have been busy with this past few months as well as the struggles I have faced. I kept trying to rationalise my life and put the sadness behind me but grief does not follow a linear timeline, it comes in waves. I am not done with it, but there will be times when it is easier than others. I have got a habit of trying to smile my way through everything but grief still catches me out. No amount of healing or therapy can stop those tidal waves when they start to engulf me. I have honestly had to do so much healing, but there is no fix for the longing for lost loved ones. It never goes away. I hope one day it will get easier but it is there for a reason, it is because I have loved.
On the bright side, new music is coming! As I mentioned before, I have a new song – I have been holding back from sending it off to be mixed for so long – but I now have my assistant and my business coach holding me to account. The song is about the discovery of my lineage, finding out about my long lost grandmother, just after my father died, standing by the sea in Rockaway, New York, discovering that she too, was a singer like me, that like me she had travelled to America and was following her dream, singing on the radio. I found out too that I am Irish – a cultural part of me that I have never got to explore, and that I have vast amounts of family living here in the UK and overseas in Canada and the US – who I hope to visit next year. I want to learn more about what it means to be Irish – and meet some more family members. It turns out that my father had 14 more siblings that he never even knew about – so you can imagine how big my family is! I am looking forward to meeting as many of them as want to meet me – I get that not all of them are necessarily interested but the ones that are... Well I intend to get to know them and pick their brains and try to find out more about my cultural identity.
But let me tell you about the song itself. It is deeply moving and based on a dream I had about my long lost grandmother, as she came to me singing, stroking my hair, comforting me. I woke up and the song was born, like magic and it is truly beautiful, I love it. I hope you will love it too… I will definitely be letting you know very soon about the release date! It won't be long now, I have created the cover art, written the story, have made a performance video and have got some great photos to share… until then though, I just want to say thank you for your continued support and for bearing with me whilst I go through these changes, it means so much.
What a journey this year has been for me so far, with all its highs and lows I am constantly learning about myself. I am so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way, although I have worked so hard for them, with support. I can't recommend working with coaches, mentors and experts enough, especially if like me, you struggle with mental health challenges and trauma. I could not have got this far without them. I am excited about what this new support means for me – it has been so difficult, knowing that I have been held back by having ADHD in this weird world where we are so cut off from each other. Knowing that I could have achieved so much more if I had had the right support all along. But hopefully now you will start to see just how much work is going on behind the scenes, and I will start to show my best music, my best singing and presented in the best way possible, I am aiming for excellence as you haven't had the full experience of my music yet. It is coming! And I can't wait to share it with you.
Love Mary
Image 1 by RD Smith Photography
Image 2 by Sector One Media