I started my journey with virtual EMDR in June 2023. I had been struggling with severe ADHD symptoms and was looking for some relief, having tried medication that didn’t work for me and being unable to access coaching due to the massive cost. It was first recommended to me by a friend, who also has ADHD. She had found a wonderful therapist who was really helping her with regular treatments. As I saw my friend growing in confidence, gaining better control over her life, and experiencing an obvious upturn in her mood, I became curious to find out more.
I had been dealing with severe brain fog following a traumatic incident, which meant my ADHD symptoms had skyrocketed from a manageable 5/10 to an overwhelming 10/10. I literally could not remember what I was doing from one moment to the next. I would check my diary in the morning to get an overview of my day, but by lunchtime, I would have completely forgotten my afternoon plans, and it was becoming embarrassing. Simple tasks felt impossible - like my executive function had completely shut down. I initially blamed ADHD, but the severity of my symptoms pointed to something more. As you can imagine, I was panicking. I felt like I was a complete mess and desperately needed a solution.
Searching for an EMDR practitioner in my local area proved difficult. The treatments were expensive, starting at £90 an hour, and demand was so high due to its popularity, that there were long waiting lists. Then I came across an online self-administered EMDR site, www.virtualemdr.com, which offered a free three-day trial. I thought, "I have nothing to lose," so I signed up and gave it a go.
For those unfamiliar, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) was developed in 1987, primarily to treat PTSD. However, it is also effective for other conditions, including anxiety, depression, and addiction. A session involves focusing on a painful memory, with all its associated emotions and physical sensations, while following an object moving side to side with your eyes. This process helps reduce distressing feelings and allows you to move forward. EMDR consultant Dr. Justin Havens describes the transformation: “There can be a dramatic shift from someone constantly haunted by a traumatic memory to feeling like it’s behind them and no longer significant.”
The science behind EMDR is fascinating. When we experience trauma, our prefrontal cortex (responsible for focus, emotional regulation, and planning) can physically shrink due to stress, while the amygdala (which processes fear) takes over. This can leave us emotionally dysregulated. However, engaging in eye movement while recalling trauma can create new neural pathways, allowing the brain to work together as a whole again. This reassures the amygdala that there is no immediate danger, allowing healing to occur.
Each EMDR session follows a structured approach. First, you are guided through questions to assess your emotional state and identify a target issue. You focus on the imagery, sensations, and emotions tied to that memory. Then, you launch the eye movement tool, watching a ball move side to side while listening to alternating tones in headphones. This immersive process engages both hemispheres of the brain, facilitating emotional processing. At the beginning and end of each session, you rate your distress level, allowing you to track progress. Each session concludes with two minutes of deep breathing to re-centre yourself.
From day one, I noticed results. The three-day trial was enough to prove EMDR’s effectiveness, so I signed up for three months at $149, which I found affordable. Unlike in-person therapy, there were no session limits, and I could do it from home. Over nine months, I completed 90 EMDR sessions, spending just $447. The impact was profound. My symptoms improved dramatically, my brain fog lifted, and I felt functional again. It helped me navigate an incredibly difficult period in my life. Looking back at my early sessions, I can see how difficult things had become. I felt sad, unmotivated, and was beating myself up about it. I am amazed at how much I have changed since then.
I also engaged in traditional talk therapy for six months, which complemented my EMDR work. When difficult emotions surfaced in therapy, I could process them with EMDR rather than carrying them all week. Though professionals might have differing opinions, I found this combination invaluable.
However, about six months after finishing both EMDR and talking therapy, I noticed myself slipping back into old patterns. My motivation had dwindled, and the joy I once found in music—my true passion—had vanished. Despite my extensive background in music production, singing, and performance, I felt creatively blocked. It wasn’t just a lack of inspiration; I felt nothing when I sat at the piano or attempted to produce a track. I was emotionally numb and no matter how hard I tried I just could not find a shred of motivation. I kept thinking that given time it would pass, but it just wasn't shifting.
I suspected that my creative block was likely linked to unprocessed emotions, so I embarked on another three-month EMDR journey. This time, my goal was to work through the low-level depression that was draining the joy from my music. I wasn’t feeling miserable per se, but I had lost my spark - and that, to me, was a problem.
Initially, I felt hopeless, convinced I had lost my skills and joy for music. But by my third session, something shifted. First, I felt anger and frustration, which, oddly, was a relief - at least I was feeling something again. Through more sessions, I uncovered deeper issues: resentment over unpaid work, grief over abandoned projects, and pain from broken collaborations. I realised that my music career had once been fuelled by connection, but after so many disappointments, I had retreated into isolation. Learning music production had been empowering, but trying to do everything alone had left me overwhelmed and uninspired.
The EMDR helped me realise & come to terms with how I was truly feeling. I decided to approach things differently and have been actively seeking new collaborators, have booked gigs, and am reigniting my passion. I have been given an entirely new perspective, working on music with like minded musicians, preparing for performances, and feeling genuinely excited. My EMDR subscription recently ended, and I haven’t renewed it - not because I don’t believe in it, but because I don’t need it at the moment. I've done the work, and it has paid off.
The biggest takeaway? I don’t want to produce music alone. I have the skills if needed, but I thrive best in collaboration. I’ve also let go of the pressure to maintain a rigid release schedule. When I can afford to employ a team, I’ll refocus my marketing efforts, but for now, I’m prioritising performing live and trusting that the recording opportunities will come.
If you’re struggling with anything similar, I highly recommend trying self-administered EMDR. It has profoundly changed my life. You can find it at www.virtualemdr.com.
Further Reading:
https://www.ptsduk.org/how-does-emdr-work/
https://www.emotionstherapycalgary.ca/blog-therapy-calgary-emotions-clinic/how-does-emdr-work
Photo by RD Smith Photography